But some of us don’t fit in, and don’t want to fit into a standardized system. We see possibilities for working together by contributing from our unique strengths. We see a new paradigm of work that is life-giving and serving people and the planet, rather than soul-sucking and depleting workers and the Earth.

A new paradigm that doesn’t exist, and won’t exist until those of us who are holding the seeds of change inside ourselves leave the current system and set out to create the new one. But how?

We need new skills for working without a manual, without structure, without guarantees, which is really hard, especially for those of us who have enjoyed being rewarded in school and at work. No more rules or norms to fall back on. No guard rails to lean on for security. No paths to follow for success.

Which is why we have to learn together how to find our way in the wild: bushwhacking, orienteering without a map, searching for sustenance and safe shelter as we go.

If you’re done with trying to fit into a standardized system and are looking for a new way of living and working on your own terms, Jung and I at SoulCo are here to teach you inner skills for thriving without fitting in. You are welcome as you are in our community of fellow journeyers yearning for a better way to live and work with well-being.

Someday a new paradigm of living and working with wholeness may become the new normal. But what keeps you from learning the inner skills to get started on your path today? Skills for finding your way out of the current paradigm, and for building something new where we can all thrive by practicing together, and reminding each other what truly matters in life to live and work meaningfully and regeneratively.

Mistakes or missteps in the past. Worries about the future. People who seem like they don’t even want to listen.

These are just a few things that the mind can get caught on. Get hooked on. Get our thoughts circling around and around.

This is why letting go is a practice. When we aspire to let go of what (and who) we can’t change, we make a commitment to practice letting go. So that when we notice our mind is snagged, we stop. We take a moment to breathe, calm the body, and smile at what our mind is snagged on. “Hello. I see you. You can stay, but I’m going to move on.” We smile, and we release.

• Stop
• Smile
• Greet
• Release

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

And because it’s a practice, it doesn’t matter how many times we get hooked over and over again. Each time is another opportunity to practice stopping, smiling, and letting go.

This is especially true with really strong emotions that hit us when that “last straw” lands.

The real issue isn’t that last straw. It’s the whole pile of straw. But when we’re overwhelmed by emotion, all we can see is that last straw. The thing that just pushed us over the edge.

So the practice is learning to separate that last straw from what we’re feeling. To put all of our attention on feeling what we’re feeling, not the straw.

Because in that moment, what’s important isn’t what happened before. What’s important is what’s happening now: the emotions in the body. And taking care of ourselves and how we feel.

Being our own best friend as we feel filled with anger, fear, or sadness. Taking care of ourselves until the emotion moves through us, and the body calms down, as it always does. Eventually.

Than we can take a look at what happened. Not just that last straw, but the whole pile of straw. And how we might better clear the straw out in the future, before it gets to the last straw again.

After all, we need to preparqe kids for their future, and there’s no future in the arts. Kids need to learn practical skills. Things that will help them to get a job. To make a living. To be successful in life.

But what future is in store for our kids? Climate anxiety? Growing income inequality? Never-ending war?

With so many ongoing crises we need the arts more than ever. We need to remember what it means to be human. Why the continued survival of our species matters. What our strengths are as humans: our imagination, our compassion, and our ability to work together.

Individually, humans are relatively weak in the animal kingdom. But through collective action, we have risen to a dominant position in the Earth’s ecosystem.

The arts remind us of what matters most, remind us of who we are, and help to keep hope alive so that we can keep going and find a way through the current crises.

If we really want to prepare our kids for the future, and prepare the future for our kids, we can’t lose sight of the arts, and the artists, holding up a mirror to remind us and challenge us to keep going.

And you may be right.

It can even be tempting to say that it’s all their fault and they have to fix it.

And what if you’re right again?

Because if they have to fix it, then they’ll have to change. But obviously they don’t want to change. Because if they wanted to, they would be changing already. They don’t see the need.

So why would they change?

This means that, if you’re right that they have to fix it, then we’re all doomed.

These huge institutions may have a huge amount of power, but sometimes, a small amount of pressure which is applied in the right direction, at the right point, at the right time, can influence even a huge institution to make a change.

But who is going to apply that pressure?

That would be us.

Which is why, if we want to see change in the world, we need to change ourselves to see more clearly where applying our teeny tiny bit of power could create the most leverage, to result in the change we want to see.

Which means, we need to take responsibility for making the change happen. Not because the current situation is our fault, but because we see the need for the world to be moving in a different direction.

Because it’s our response-ability to respond to the need that we see with action, not just words.

Is it because it was fast? Or maybe something you felt like eating? Was it the only thing available? Or did you eat the same thing you always eat out of convenience? (That was my reason, by the way.)

How often do we stop to really think about how much of our lives are on autopilot? What would happen if we became more aware of the reasons why we do what we do?

And when we think we know why, what would happen if we stopped to ask ourselves, “Is that true?” Is the reason why we did that, “Because my boss asked me to,” or is it, “Because I don’t want to disappoint my boss.” In other words, is there another reason under what we think is the reason why we do what we do. And what is underneath, “Because I don’t want to disappoint my boss.” Is it respect for our boss? Or fear that we’ll lose our job? Or a desire for better standing in the organization?

This can become a lot of fun when we can develop the skill to see all the reasons why we do what we do, without judging the reason. Just let it be okay that we feel afraid, or ambitious, or that we like the comfort of routine.

Because when we judge, we have a tendency to not want to see the truth of what is there. And it makes the whole exercise of asking “Is that true?” a lot less fun.

The common way to think about well-being is that it’s, well, a static state of being. Something that we “have.” A feeling of being well that is just stuck to us and travels around with us. Or that it’s something we don’t have enough of and we have to go out and get more of.

This is one reason the wellness industry is booming. There’s no lack of people willing to sell us things that promise to get us more well-being. But because none of these products give us what we really need, we buy more, spend more, consume more, and the cycle continues.

Dr. Davidson’s work suggests that there’s a good reason why none of these “solutions” work: well-being isn’t something we can get more of. It’s an experience that we cultivate and maintain ourselves through practicing well-being habits, the same way we practice dental hygiene habits. Well-being is a skill that we practice so we can fell more well.

Any of his articles or videos (have you tried searching with ecosia.org?) will explain it better to you than I can, but what I’d like to share is that it may take time to really understand what he’s saying.

It took me at least five years before I could really understand the truth of well-being as a skill, after all.

But that’s not to say that it will take five years before you start to experience more well-being. I encourage you to give his suggestions a try.

My experience was that by learning and practicing, I was able to experience more-and-more well-being. Like any skill, the learning curve isn’t linear. It’s more two steps forward, one step back.

My point is, keep going. If you feel the need for more well-being in your life, it is possible, and it’s something you can cultivate, practice, and experience.

And if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out and ask. I’ve been there! (And some days, I’m still there…)

It’s been found that judges make different decisions when they are tired and hungry than they do when their bodies are rested and fed. We know how suspense in a movie can make our bodies tense up, and our hearts race, even though it’s a fictional story that doesn’t involve us. And try to imagine solving a complicated math problem when you’ve just stubbed your toe hard and are in blinding pain.

So as much as we may want to believe that we can think our way out of any situation, and apply “mind over matter,” it just isn’t true. Our bodies have a lot more influence over what we think, feel, and do than we may realize. Ignoring the signs and signals that our bodies are sending us, and just living in our heads is no different from ignoring any other kind of data in business or in life.

To live a life with more clarity, a strong first step is to learn how to be aware of both what we’re thinking, and what we’re sensing in our bodies at the same time. To notice how the two relate to each other from moment to moment—and acting from that place of greater awareness.

They were right. Yet, I felt like I didn’t have a choice. And I was right, too.

How can both be right, that I had a choice, and didn’t have a choice at the same time?

Because from the outside, it was clear that a choice was possible. From the perspective of the passive voice, the PhD program could be quit, another career could be found, my time could be used differently, and happiness was possible.

However, from my perspective, I couldn’t choose those things.

I didn’t have the skills, the capacity, or the perspective that I needed in order to make those choices. I couldn’t endure the loss of identity from leaving the PhD program. I didn’t have the confidence to try another career. I lacked the awareness skills I needed to use my time differently. And because I didn’t know how to be present in the here and in the now without distracting myself from the reality of what I was seeing, feeling, and sensing, I couldn’t be happy.

So, both were true. I had a choice. But I couldn’t make any other choice than the path I was on.

Until I developed enough skill, capacity, and perspective to make different choices.

If you feel trapped and that you have no choice, it’s worth stopping to notice what is keeping you from making that choice. And then seeing if there is a way to develop new skills, capacity, or perspective that can give you freedom of choice. It can take time, but I’m here to tell you that the new freedom you’ll gain will make it all worthwhile.

Coming back to what is real, my self, right here, right now, is also easy. It’s as simple as noticing my breath. As the late Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh often taught, “Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in. Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out.”

It’s not a matter of pushing away thoughts, or trying to not think. That never works anyway.

It’s simply choosing to pay attention to the breath instead.

And then once we have agency over our attention again, we can choose where to put our attention next.

But we wouldn’t want to live that way forever. If our fingers were permanently numb, we’d miss the warning shock of a cut or a burn, and we wouldn’t enjoy the pleasure of touching a loved one or a fuzzy blanket.

There are many reasons we may have learned to be emotionally numb in order to survive. The problem is that, unlike after surgery, the numbness often lasts long after the danger is gone. This numbness then gets in our way of being able to feel with precision. To accurately detect dangers and opportunities. Living under a constant anesthetic—not feeling—interferes with our ability to enjoy our work, relationships, and life.

What we need, is to remember and cultivate how to life an aesthetic life—a life of deep feeling. Yes, we will feel pain, but we will also feel pleasure, joy, and everything else in between. All the experiences which make up a full and healthy life.

Our safety may have depended on us being numb at one time, but our well-being depends on our bing able to feel. It’s worth doing what we need to do to heal and to cultivate this very human ability.

As a species, we have evolved to want things to be predictable. We want to know where to find food and where to find shelter. We want to know about likely threats and how to defend against them.

Our sense of security and safety is rooted in our ability to know things. And the process of change, by definition, is all about the unknowable, and this is often scary to us.

In order to allow change to happen, we need to let go of what we think we know, and to open up to something new. This means we need to also learn to become comfortable with the discomfort, or even fear, of not knowing.

It’s not that there’s something wrong with feeling fear, or that we shouldn’t feel it. Quite the opposite. The fear is natural, and we should feel it so that we can stay open.

The invitation is to practice feeling the fear of the unknown, to see it, and recognize it for what it is, to be kind to ourselves around the fear, and at the same time, see what is causing it.

Because in the case of change, often the fear is coming from something new, something unknown, something unpredicted. A gift of the new change that is coming.

So in this way the fear is a herald, announcing that the change we’re looking for is coming.

So don’t kill the messenger. Don’t deny the fear. The invitation is to practice welcoming the fear in, and listening to what it has to say.

This may sound absurd, but the fact is, we all live in our own minds. What we “know” about the world, is really what we think we know. And that goes for people, too. When we say we “know” someone, what we really know is a version of that person in our own mind. And that version may be similar to, or quit different from, how the person sees themselves.

Often when someone gets mad at us, it’s because we did something that they didn’t expect we would do. So it’s really about their expectations, which is based on who they thought we were. And similarly when someone praises us, it’s often because our behavior happened to match their expectations.

It’s worth reflecting on this and remembering the next time you’re blamed or praised that it’s not about you. It makes it easier to take it a little less personally, and it also gives a chance to learn more about the person who is doing the blaming or praising.

It’s not that any of these things are big stresses, but little stresses. Little stresses that can pile up in the body.

We can’t avoid stress, but we can take moments throughout the day to check in with the body and feel these little stresses.

The little stresses might show up as tension in the shoulders, or tightness in the belly. They might shift the way we sit in the chair, or the way we’re breathing.

Take a moment to notice where stress is living in the body, and see if you can calm and ease the body. To get it back to a more relaxed state.

Feeling the body’s weight on the seat, or on the feet. Feeling a strong back, and a soft, open front.

Letting the body just be for a moment, for one, slow breath, before getting back to work.

Stress is a natural part of life, but that doesn’t mean we have to let it pile up in the body. Like brushing our teeth, we can make relaxing the body a regular hygiene practice, and notice if we feel any different at the end of the day.

Maybe it is true, and maybe it’s not.

We make so many assumptions just to get through daily life, often without ever realizing it, and sometimes those assumptions steer us the wrong way. So it’s worth asking, “Is that true?”

This isn’t to argue, but just to wonder. To pause to notice if it’s an assumption, or if there might be something we’re missing. And to create a space for another perspective or a more complete view.

What do you feel when you hear the question, “Is that true?” Curiosity? Or maybe defensiveness, or even anger?

If strong feelings come up with that question, where are they coming from? Is there a danger you sense from asking that question? A threat that you fear?

If so, it might be useful to look at that perceived threat and ask, “Is that threat true?”

Because if that threat isn’t true, then congratulations! You’ve just won yourself a little more freedom from fear.

So the next time you find yourself certain of something, it might be worth asking yourself, “Is that true?” and see where that question leads!

I had become so good at putting on a happy face, that I didn’t realize I was dead inside. I had become so good at doing what others wanted me to do, that I didn’t realize I was dead inside. I had become so good at pretending that my constant restlessness was because of my curiosity, that I didn’t realize I was dead inside.

My restlessness was because I never felt engaged with my life. Because I was dead inside, I couldn’t feel satisfaction, so I jumped around looking for satisfaction anywhere I could. I did what others wanted me to do because I was looking for approval. Because I was dead inside, I couldn’t feel self-worth and craved external approval to compensate for my lack of self-esteem. I put on a happy face because I was taught that expressing what I was really feeling was shameful. And so I became ashamed of my emotions and became dead inside.

But that’s not the end of the story.

Thanks to our bodies and minds being designed to heal, thanks to the people who cared, and thanks to a lot of practice, I’m still here today.

And thanks to still being here today, I can tell you that healing is possible, and that feeling (again) is possible.

It’s been a long journey, but I am filled with gratitude that I am now very much alive inside.

If anything, trying to fake it just made things worse. I felt like more of an imposter, I felt less powerful, and in the end, when it didn’t work, I felt like even more of a failure. And these feelings seriously got in my way. They made it more difficult to do my best, to learn from my mistakes, to take risks, to be creative, and they undermined my self-esteem.

The thing is, “fake it until you make it” isn’t just about trying to fool others, it’s also about trying to fool ourselves. It relies on the same psychological trick as self-affirmations, and research suggests that self-affirmations are unreliable. They motivate some people, but de-motivate others.

One reason for this could be because self-affirmations only engage the our conscious mind, but for some of us, all the time that we’re “dressing for success” and “leaning in,” our unconscious is sending us messages like, “What a load of ****,” “You know who you really are,” “You’re such a loser,” or worse.

There is another way, though. Rather than faking it, or using self-affirmations, we can use self-compassion and self-acceptance—the opposite of pretending.

Self-acceptance is taking the time to see who you really are with the kind eyes of a trusted friend or family member. Someone who always assumes you have the best intentions and sees you in your best light. And yes, it also means seeing the parts of you that you may feel embarrassed about, or even ashamed of. But seeing those parts with compassion and the honesty of knowing that everyone has those parts inside. Every. Human. Being.

It means embracing all parts of yourself, good, bad, and ugly. And knowing that your are worthy as a human being just as you are. Just as every human being, no matter how loathsome their actions may feel to us, is also worthy as a human being.

This may sound all airy-fairy, but research has backed this up. When we can accept ourselves as we are, and have compassion for ourselves, we are much more resilient, persistent, creative, and successful at what we put our minds to.

So the next time you fall off the horse, maybe the answer isn’t to pretend that you meant to fall off. Maybe the best next step isn’t to immediately get back on with false confidence and bravado. What if you took a moment to clean and bandage your wounds, check in with your body, and then got back on the horse with calm attention and care? How might the next stretch of your ride go?

Chances are, eventually, you’ll fall off again, but the research suggests you’ll fall a lot less, and you’ll enjoy the ride a lot more.

If we have built up a life for ourselves, purpose is already there. There are reasons why we made the decisions that we did, and why we continue to do what we do each day.

The question isn’t whether our life has a purpose. It has one, but we may not know it.

The question we need to be asking is: are we conscious of why we are living the life that we are living? Are we aware of the motivations that our actions came from and continue to come from?

Trying to “cultivate purpose” without this awareness is like trying to get to a destination without knowing where you’re starting from.

That awareness is step one. Can we become aware of what is motivating us to do what we do, without judging ourselves or trying to change anything (yet)?

Once we are aware of our motivations, of what our purpose has been, then we get to ask the question of whether that is a purpose that is aligned with our values—with the person who we want to be.

If not, then there is work to do to understand how to align our purpose with who we want to be, and then redesign our life, so that we are acting out of our new purpose. That’s how we get our actions to align with our values.

And it starts with taking an honest look at what unconscious purpose got us to where we are, and why we have continued on this path (for now).

For myself, I know I will often assume I know the answer to something so I don’t sound stupid, or maybe more so I don’t feel stupid. Filling in the blanks of my knowledge with educated guesses has become such a habit that I rarely even notice I’m doing it. Until someone challenges me and I realize I’m not standing on a solid foundation of understanding, and maybe feel a little embarrassed that I said something which I’m not sure is really true.

We were all kids once. So what happens to us that we start pretending we know the answers, rather than continuing to ask questions. Why do we stop just wondering about things out of curiosity without pretending we are all-knowing?

And most of all, how can we rebuild our connection to pure curiosity that is honest about what we don’t know, and cares more about learning than how we appear to others? Could we build a habit of questioning ourselves and our assumptions regularly, asking, “Is that true?”

I don’t have any answers, but I am curious!

My habit was always to think more. To analyze and figure out what caused them. What made those feelings come up all of a sudden? Where are those feelings coming from? How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?

What I’ve learned is that thinking in response to feelings doesn’t help me in the long run. Feelings want to be felt. So how do we work with these eruptions of strong feelings in a way that supports our long-term well-being? How can we relate to them if not by thinking about them and analyzing them? How do we feel the feelings without getting entangled deeper?

The approach that works for me is self-compassion.

Self-compassion lets myself feel the emotion while also acknowledging to myself that it’s hard to feel it. And that it’s natural to feel these things as a human being. And that it will pass (eventually). Just to be with the strong emotions with gentleness and kindness.

When I remember (which isn’t always), I start by taking a deep breath and try to create a little space. A little distance to be able to notice the feelings as something I am experiencing, rather than something that has taken over my whole world.

I notice the feeling and, while keeping attention on my breath, or my feet, or some other focus point in the physical world, remember that feeling these things is okay. It is part of what makes me, me. In fact it is part of being human. And that everyone has times when they feel strong emotions for one reason or another.

And, while still keeping attention on a focus point in the physical world, I try to speak kindly to myself. To comfort myself. To acknowledge that this is hard. That being human is hard sometimes. That living is hard sometimes.

We all know that eventually the emotions goes away. The anger you felt at another kid on the playground disappeared ages ago. It’s the same with every emotion. What I’ve found is that the more I can let go of thinking about these emotions, and the more I can learn to be with them with kindness, the more I can learn about where these emotions come from.

All the insights that I used to try to get from thinking about the emotions arise out of the same space of kindness. The difference is that I’m able to have these insights when I feel calmer and more settled. And the learning I gain comes from a place of kindness towards myself and anyone else who might have been involved.

And insights that come from a place of kindness, tend to generate more kindness. Which is what I want more of in the world.

Our schooling, and many of our workplaces, have already trained us to value and develop mastery, but not so much for autonomy and purpose.

We are taught to do what we’re told, for the reason of, “I said so.”

Or we may be told to “take initiative” but punished when we do the wrong thing.

Or we may be given a reason for why the work we do is important, but in our gut we either feel that the reason is bogus, or not aligned with what matters to us.

To thrive with these three intrinsic human motivators, we need to develop the inner skills. Inner skills of compassion to have resilience and keep going when acting from a place of autonomy fails. To worry less about failing and more about learning. Because the gift of failing when I’m acting out of my own initiative, is that I get to learn the most. I can see more of what happened—what went right and what went wrong—and I can take those learnings to my next attempt.

However, most of us weren’t taught to learn by failing. We were taught (and rewarded) to get it right the first time. Finding our way through failure takes some practice.

It’s the same with acting from a place of purpose. Most of us weren’t taught to follow our own inner compass, either. We were taught to do what we were told, and rewarded when we did so.

Finding our inner compass and learning to navigate with it also takes practice, and support from people who want us to succeed on our own terms, rather than on their terms.

Developing the skills and capacity to thrive with autonomy and purpose, as well as mastery, isn’t easy, but it can be done with commitment and a community of like-hearted learners.

If this way of working and living calls to you, the rewards are well worth the investment of unlearning the old say, and learning the skills we need for greater satisfaction and well-being.

I would bet that most of your thoughts are about judging or evaluating yourself or the people you are with. Maybe worried about how you look or how you’re acting? Or wondering what they think of you? Perhaps noticing how you don’t fit in, or even just focused on how you feel separate from them?

Sometimes loneliness doesn’t come from being alone, but from feeling separated from other people, or even from ourselves, whether we’re alone are not. It comes from not being able to feel love and respect for ourselves, as well as love and respect from the people who we are with.

This loneliness is a state of being in us. It’s painful and it can follow us around from place to place, and from social gathering to social gathering.

The question is, can we become curious about the loneliness we feel inside? Can we use self-compassion to be gentle with that loneliness and give it caring attention? Can we spend time with ourselves to learn how to relate to our own loneliness so that we feel more love and respect for ourselves, for others, and then, perhaps, from other people as well?

This is easier said than done. It’s often a journey of “two steps forward one step back” that takes time and patience.

But in the end, what loneliness needs most is attention. And the attention it most needs is not from friends, fame, or social media, but attention from ourselves.

He had me put the music aside, and just play notes and chords of different qualities just so I could focus on listening. Hearing honestly what was coming from the piano. Relating my action at the keyboard with the sound I produced. However harsh or gentle, smooth or jagged, ugly or beautiful that sound was from moment to moment.

The exercise was to hear as accurately as possible. To stop imagining how I was playing the piano, but to clearly hear the music I was making so that I could respond to that sound and get it closer to how I wanted to be paying the music.

To be able to use my senses to close the feedback loop between my intention (the sound I wanted to make) and my impact (the sound I was making).

All these years later, I’ve found myself doing the same in my daily life. By developing my ability to be aware of when my thoughts are coloring my perception of reality, it has helped me to close the feedback loop between my intention and my impact.

To notice when I am seeing what I want to see rather than what is really there. To notice when what I am doing is creating a result which is not aligned with my values, and course-correct. And to notice the moments when the outcome of my actions creates something beautiful.

Not only does closing the feedback loop make it easier to bring my actions more in alignment with my values, it also makes my experience of life that much richer, deeper, and more satisfying. I may not always like what I see, but now that I see, sense, and feel life more clearly, I can respond to what’s there.

Because we can’t respond to life if we can’t hear it calling to us.

In addition to the reasons Seth gives, constraints also help us to focus our efforts on what we can do, rather than wasting time on things beyond our control.

After all, we can only do one thing at a time anyway. So isn’t it a gift when our choices are narrowed down for us by constraints?

I wanted to be able to craft an elevator pitch that could convey in 30 seconds just what I am about and why you should care. I wanted to have a test that could tell me in an instant if this job, or activity, or path would be right for me or not.

If I choose this door, will it bring me closer to who I am meant to be, or further away? Yes, or no?

What life has taught me is both simpler and more difficult than what I wanted. I never got my answer. Instead I learned how to keep asking questions.

My previous mindset came from what I was taught: set a goal (for example, becoming a university professor), and then do what I need to do to achieve that goal.

That works for some people. For instance, my father discovered at a young age that he truly loves the law. So he did what he needed to do to become a lawyer and practiced law quite literally until the day he died.

For many of us, however, things change. As we grow older, we get to know ourselves better. We learn new things about the world. And on top of that, we, and the world, keep changing.

Although I sometimes envy the directness of my father’s path, for many of us, it’s more important that we learn to see, sense, and feel ourselves, and our context in the moment. To know what is ours to do right now, and follow that next step towards our future.

As Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement address, we can connect the dots of our lives when we look backwards, but looking forward we can only look for our next step and trust that all the steps will connect.

Life has taught me to hold my “identity” lightly. To practice opening my mind for curiosity, my heart for compassion, and my will for courage so that I might see my next step.

At the end of the day, learning to see clearly what is here right now, and what is mine to do right now is challenging enough. And the reality is that my past, and my future, are just a long series of present moments. So it’s not my job to “figure out my life.” It’s my job to live in this present moment and stay open to what is here now.

Because as one of my teachers said, I will get to know who I am for the rest of my days.

When I was driving home in the rain today, I tried an experiment. Instead of distracting myself by listening to music or a podcast, I tried listening to my body. I noticed where my body was tense because of the stressful drive, and let it relax.

Soon enough, my attention would get pulled away from my body again. I’d see something happening on the road, or I’d get caught up in my thoughts. But whenever I became aware again, I would notice any new tension in my body and try to relax it.

I went through this cycle many times: my attention being away from the body, back to noticing the body, to relaxing the body, and again away from the body. I tried not to judge myself about the tension, or about where my mind went. Just matter-of-factly relaxing my body whenever I remembered to, clearing out the stress that kept accumulating as I drove.

Not feeling bad about needing to repeatedly de-stress any more than I feel bad about needing to repeatedly brush my teeth.

What I noticed was that, despite the stressful drive, when I got home I felt okay. I didn’t feel the usual tension or frayed nerves that I usually carry with me into the house after driving in Boston. Especially in the rain.

It seemed that by taking care of the stress bit-by-bit as it came, there was very little left in me by the time I arrived home.

I encourage you to try this micro practice the next time you’re engaged with a longer, stressful activity, like driving. Find a way to pause from time-to-time, or just shift your attention to your body to de-stress as you go. What do you notice? Please share!

As I write this, it’s Labor Day weekend in the United States, and I just read about two recently completed suicides at workplaces. Two people, both at well-known companies, on opposite sides of the world from each other. One in her thirties, and the other, a CFO. While we don’t know all the circumstances, we do know that both were under extreme stress from their responsibilities at work.

Our work can serve multiple purposes for us, but for most of us one of those reasons is to take care of our physical needs. To earn money to pay for shelter, food, and clothing. Perhaps to pay for the same for our families, as well as transportation and education, with some extra left over. There’s more, of course, but the point is we work to earn money to pay for our physical needs for security, safety, and well-being.

We work to support our life. But when work is undermining our well-being, and the well-being of others, and of the planet, then something has gone upside-down.

This isn’t an original thought, or anything new, but I wonder what might happen if we spent more time asking ourselves the question: Are we making a living, or making a dying?

What would happen if we rebuilt our society from the assumption that work should support life, and not the other way around?

What is the first, smallest step we could take today, to start turning this around?

Of course if you’re even thinking of stepping into the unknown, it’s probably because for some reason, staying safe doesn’t feel right anymore. Because you know that you have to move from where you are and venture out in a new direction. Maybe the thought is even exciting, but fear can still hold us back.

One thing that can help us to venture out even with this fear is being part of a community of like-hearted adventurers. A community of people who have each others’ back. People who don’t feel threatened by our leaving the status quo. People who are there to listen as we explore possibilities, navigate challenges, and work through fears. Maybe even people who can encourage us to keep going when things get really tough.

Like in a caravan crossing the desert, the ultimate destinations of the members of this community may all be different, but we can come together for a while to cross the more uncertain and uncharted terrain as a group.

Leaving the certainty of what is familiar to venture into the unknown is hard enough already. If possible, don’t try to do it alone. Find a community you can trust. There’s more safety in numbers.

What happens once we have enough and we do enough? Is it only then that we can finally be enough? Is it only then that we are worthy of love and respect? That we are a human being who matters?

What if we are already worthy of love and respect just because we are human? What if we already matter because we are part of nature? Because we belong to the Earth’s ecosystem, and every part of Earth’s ecosystem matters, including us?

If we are already worthy of love and respect, if we already matter, and if we already belong, then maybe that’s enough. Maybe what we do is a contribution from our generosity and gratitude for being part of humanity, part of nature, and part of the Earth?

If we already do enough, we already have enough, and we already are enough, what comes next?

That’s the question.

Putting aside the HUGE issue of structural discrimination, the role of luck, and other environmental factors that absolutely make things more difficult for some people and easier for others, there’s a fundamental flaw in “tough talk.”

Most of us who feel trapped and powerless in our situations know that there are things we have to do for ourselves. And yet, we also feel that for some reason we just can’t do what we know would help us get unstuck. This is one source of feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness.

Platitudes like, “find your passion and the money will follow” sound great unless the whole problem is you have no idea what your passion is. Organization methods that guarantee you can get everything done and have time left over may work for some people, but for people who are struggling with organization, the challenge is usually not that they haven’t found the right “method.” There is a deeper block that is getting in the way. And telling people who feel lonely that they “just have to get out there and meet people” is insulting.

So much of the advice in popular culture is obvious, which is why we know it already. If browbeating people into doing the obvious worked, we’d all be doing it already.

Getting out of stuck situations is often more like trying to untie a complicated knot. It’s about taking the time to look at the knot from all angles, shifting a loop here and freeing up an end there, gently and slowly working the knot looser and looser until it can come undone.

With these kinds of knots, we don’t really know how we’re going to get it untied. We have to just work the knot, bit-by-bit, shifting, freeing, and loosening until somehow, by some path, we eventually get there, and the knot is gone.

The last thing you should do is pull harder on the ends in the hopes that the knot will just break free. You’ll only make it tighter and more difficult to undo.

Sometimes, if we hit just a little bump, some “tough talk” can give us a boost to help us keep going. But when we’re dealing with a knottier, older stuck place, what we need is usually the opposite.

We need compassion. We need to slow down and acknowledge the difficult feelings so they can be felt and seen more clearly, and allowed to move through us. And we need to gently look at our situation with kind eyes to question our perception with curiosity and begin to look for possibilities. We need space and support to help us shift our focus from our feelings of helplessness and hopelessness to instead focus on how we might be able to move little-by-little until we can get unstuck.

And just like with complicated knots, we usually don’t know how we’re going to get unstuck. We have to just take it step-by-step, until we discover that we’ve finally worked ourselves free.

Applying compassion to these feelings of stuckness is not only the kinder, more humane approach, in the end, it’s also a faster and more practical approach that does less damage than the more common, self-help alternative.

But don’t take my word for it. The next time you find yourself berating yourself for repeating a habit, or not being able to make progress, try some self-compassion instead, and see what you notice.