Dead inside - alive inside

I remember hearing this expression about being dead inside. And somehow I never recognized that it was describing me.

I had become so good at putting on a happy face, that I didn’t realize I was dead inside. I had become so good at doing what others wanted me to do, that I didn’t realize I was dead inside. I had become so good at pretending that my constant restlessness was because of my curiosity, that I didn’t realize I was dead inside.

My restlessness was because I never felt engaged with my life. Because I was dead inside, I couldn’t feel satisfaction, so I jumped around looking for satisfaction anywhere I could. I did what others wanted me to do because I was looking for approval. Because I was dead inside, I couldn’t feel self-worth and craved external approval to compensate for my lack of self-esteem. I put on a happy face because I was taught that expressing what I was really feeling was shameful. And so I became ashamed of my emotions and became dead inside.

But that’s not the end of the story.

Thanks to our bodies and minds being designed to heal, thanks to the people who cared, and thanks to a lot of practice, I’m still here today.

And thanks to still being here today, I can tell you that healing is possible, and that feeling (again) is possible.

It’s been a long journey, but I am filled with gratitude that I am now very much alive inside.